Indian-American parents of gay children must connect with each other to better understand their children and build a solid foundation for their future, according to former top Obama administration official. Gautam Raghavan, 34, who was the White House liaison for the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender population from 2011 to 2014, and the Defense Department liaison before that, says he has seen a gamut of reactions from Indian-American families toward their gay children, ranging from rejection to acceptance.
In a wide-ranging interview, Raghavan recounted his relatively smooth life as a gay person because of “progressive” parents. He also conceded he would not have had such a charmed life if his parents had remained in India, or if they had not accepted him for what he was.
Graduating from Stanford University, Raghavan served in the Democratic National Committee, was on the Presidential campaign of then Senator Barack Obama, served in the White House, and married his college sweetheart Andrew Masloski, five years ago. The couple now plans to address one of his mother’s first concerns when he told her he was gay – add some children to expand his nuclear family.
Raghavan left the Obama administration, choosing instead to work with a Denver non-profit at its Washington, D.C. office. The Gill Foundation, where he is vice president of policy, advocates for LGBT equality and has given more than $277 million since its founding in 1992 to efforts to secure that goal.
“I was born in India and it’s not lost on me that my life would have been very different if my parents had not come here. I would not have been able to marry my husband, or have the protections that I have here,” Raghavan said.
While no country has a monopoly on accepting and rejecting gays, he said he has seen a whole range of reactions in Indian-American families. “I have friends who’ve been disowned, cut off by their families, and others who have been accepted wonderfully,” he said. But he insisted a lot of that is driven by parents who want their children to be safe, not because of perceived negative reactions within the community.
That’s where people like him can help, he said, by showing that while it may be hard, it does get better. “There’s more we can do in the community. Parents need to talk to parents of gay children. I have letters asking if I could put some families in touch with someone they can talk to. My mom’s had conversations with some,” he added.
Raghavan counts himself lucky to be born into a home that was accepting. His personal struggle he says, was more about accepting his own sexuality than any opposition from friends and family. “The biggest issue was being comfortable with who I was,” he told News India Times.
Yet, it was only when he was 21 that he came out to his mother. “Her first question was –’Do you still want to have kids?'” he laughs. His father’s reaction was, “‘I wonder how many members of our family may have been gay and couldn’t come out and say it and how uncomfortable it must have been for them,'” Raghavan recalls. His engineer father Chidambaram Raghavan, called ‘Raga’ by friends and family, hails from Hyderabad. His mother Kamini is an interior designer.
“Our family tradition has always been fairly progressive and open-minded on a broad range of issues, so I’m not surprised they – and my extended family – were quick to support me,” Raghavan said. When he spoke to his grandmother about his sexual orientation, she had a multitude of questions to him about what that means and what it would mean for his future. When he decided to marry Masloski, Raghavan’s parents sent a note beforehand to extended family in India expressing their unqualified support and love for their son and clarifying that he was getting married to a man.
He concedes that not every Indian-American gay’s story is as rosy, and believes one of the things needed is to create more public spheres on the Internet and elsewhere, that give space to Indian-American gays to tell their stories. Sounding abashed about being cast as a role-model, Raghavan encouraged Indian-American gays, like others, to explore the umpteen options open to them in this country. There’s no limit to what a gay Indian-American can achieve in this country given acceptance and family support, he emphasizes.
When Raghavan decided to quit his White House post, he had a photo-opportunity with President Obama where his parents and his husband came. “To me it speaks to what can happen when you come to this country. It can only happen in America.”
In India where an arcane 1861 law against homosexuality continues and which the Indian Supreme Court in 2013 ruled could only be removed by an act of parliament, Raghavan said there were other areas where gay rights were progressing in his country of birth. The existence of Section 377 in the Indian Penal Code, Raghavan said, does not belie the fact that many steps have been taken favoring gays.
“Even though Section 377 exists, we’ve seen steps in the right direction on the transgender issue,” he contended. India allowed a “third-gender” citizen category, or “eunuchs” to be registered for passports in 2005, and in 2009 this category was added to voter registration forms, and then on the census. He cautioned against stereotyping reactions of various communities to the gay issue, and also against transposing methods used to make gains in one country or context to another. Many Indian-Americans spoke out against Section 377 after the 2013 Indian Supreme Court ruling.
“Models of advocacy that have worked here may not work elsewhere,” Raghavan said but added activists and advocates in India are using some of the same tactics and tools that worked here in America – for example, enlisting the support of pro-gay celebrities.
“The more we can do to share strategies and lessons learned, the better,” he said, adding, “I’m confident both the Indian diaspora community and global LGBT community will continue to support efforts in India to revoke 377.”
At the Gill Foundation, his focus is on the program entitled “Freedom for all Americans” modeled on the previous campaign “Freedom to Marry” all directed at raising awareness and sending the right messages about what LGBT people are like, to communities traditionally seen as dug in. The Gill Foundation is focusing on the South, particularly on business, faith, and conservative communities, which he says would be most helpful in spreading the message. “We have to push back against the traditional narrative that people of faith are against equality for gays,” he says. And that goes for cultural communities as well, like Indian or Chinese Americans.
In his role as President Obama’s liaison to the LGBT community as well as the Asian American & Pacific Islander community from 2011 to 2014, Raghavan directed the White House’s outreach around major policy developments advancing LGBT equality, including President Obama’s support for marriage equality and the implementation of the Supreme Court’s decision in Windsor, the signing of an Executive Order prohibiting federal contractors from discriminating against LGBT workers, the roll out and implementation of a Presidential Memorandum on international LGBT human rights, and administrative actions prohibiting LGBT discrimination in housing, health care, and other areas.
From 2009 to 2011, he was Deputy White House Liaison for the U.S. Department of Defense and served as Outreach Lead for the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Working Group, where he directed all outreach and communications with various organizations, institutions, and individuals advocating for and against repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”
Prior to joining the Obama Administration, he was director of the 2008 Obama Campaign’s Asian American Finance Committee, Midwest Finance Director for the Democratic
National Committee under Chairman Howard Dean, and in other positions for the DNC and Progressive Majority.
Raghavan was raised in Seattle, Washington and lives with his husband in Washington, D.C. He is a member of the Board of Directors of the Point Foundation and Stanford Pride and sits on the Advisory Committee for The Council for Global Equality.
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